The Weight That Almost Took My Life. (part 1-mental)

When you think about weight the first thing that may come to mind is physical weight. What about mental, spiritual and emotional weight?

In my 38 years young of life I have experienced weight at an alarming rate in all areas.

At what age does one start picking up the weight I asked myself. I am an empath, and I started picking up weight without even realizing it at a very young age.

Take a look at me the young girl who was as young as 4 years old hearing the whispers of adults talking back and forth about her mother whom she loved dearly that she was playing games about the paternity of my father. It was the whispers and the joy of judgment in their voices although they all knew exactly who my father was. It was there that I picked up a little weight in my spirit, mind, and soul from the heaviness of gossip. It was there that I lost a sense of my identity before I truly knew who I was and I couldn't say a thing and when I would ask my mother she would tell me exactly who my father was. She would tell me her sisters were making up stories, and she would say it in a cold and frustrated tone. I never knew why she was mad at me when I asked her as I was only 4 years old and my father was M.I.A. Although my brother and I had the same father, my father’s family welcomed him and my older sister with open arms paired with all the love. I, on the other hand, got the stares of disapproval and again there is more weight. Not only did I lose a sense of my identity but now I was looking for approval from the ones that should have loved and liked me by default. Now I had my mother who I loved, and she was hurt from her childhood as well, although I did not know that back then. She never knew how to articulate her pain. My mother would constantly tell me to forget what the others were saying and that I was hers. I stayed up under my mother. I would grow up to find out that my mother did play games with other men claiming I was theirs even though she and my father knew. My father did come around, and he would answer the question he knew was plaguing me.“You are mine.", he would say. I looked just like him after all. But my deep rejected blurred the mirror for me. It was the comments of others that still weighed heavy on my soul. It was the lack of attention from family members on both sides. I was the youngest of three. It seemed as if my sister and brother got the affection that I craved. I always felt a sense I did not belong.

When I turned eight, I finally met the other 2 children that my father had who was younger than me. They accepted my brother who was the oldest because their mother accepted him; however, she couldn’t stand me because my father was sleeping with her and my mother at the same time and therefore my sister and I ended up exactly four months apart. Now I not only have the whispers of the adults in my head, but I also have the siblings who I didn’t even know judging me and making fun of me when my father wasn't around. They would say things like, “She doesn't look like us!”, even though I did. Now I have more weight on me from the disapproval. I would go back to my mother and tell her what they were saying and she would say once more “Don’t listen to them.”She would then scold my older brother for allowing such things to be said in his presence. Now that I am an adult, I come to realize that there was never any ease to that weight that I carried as a child. I would hear comments from my peers on how my little brother was telling people he didn’t really know if I was his sister. I didn’t have a relationship with my father’s family except for his favorite sister whom I favored, and she adored me and so did her children. But that wasn't enough for that heaviness to be released from me.

Who was I? I didn’t know. And since I did not know there was more weight added. It was the weight I had to keep in. It was the weight I had to hide behind the fake smile that I perfected because I did not want others to see me, the one who wasn't sure about herself.

Since I was carrying around this weight, it would leak out often. I came to know I have a problem trusting people because I didn't know who I was. I didn't trust my mother or my family members because they toyed with my identity carelessly when they all knew the truth. The only one who did not toy with my identity was my father and my aunt his favorite sister. But I carried a deep resentment because he never signed my birth certificate; something I felt he should have rushed to do.  He and my mother blamed my mother’s mother for not calling him when my mother was in labor. She purposely left my father off the birth certificate when she filled it out for my mother.

This loss of identity was woven in me.I was left with the loss of identity that I never quite gained and the extra weight came the moment my father was murdered when I was just 13 years old. He never had the chance to sign my birth certificate that he promised he would sign (I felt that would give me a sense of confirmation.). I had to learn to let everyone involved off the hook so that I could heal and trust. I am still learning and working toward it.

I never realized how much that weight of disapproval, rejection, and gossip affected me until a few years ago. Wanting to be accepted so bad led to me being a people-pleaser. Being an empath did not help at all because the energies I would feel and absorb. I never wanted the whisperers to see me sweat. I never wanted them to know that they hurt me, and one who I needed most was dead. I couldn't allow my mother to see that my soul hurt because of the choices of adults.

I had to make a choice to allow that pain to be seen and released in order to free up the other weight that was heavy on me. I had to be honest with myself and admit I did not know who I was. I did not know how to love me. I did not know how to give me the attention that I needed for me. I did not know how to trust. I didn't want to cry, but I was crying every day and I had to tell myself that it was okay.

When we are healing we must dig deep to the roots and start dealing with that first.

What weight do you carry that you have been carrying since you were a child?